Yesterday I said goodbye to my dog Shiloh, who had been the light of my life for almost 16 years. But in reality, I have been saying goodbye for months, or perhaps even years, if I’m being honest with myself. Shiloh was always a strong dog. When she was 12 years old, we celebrated her birthday by hiking 12 miles together. But as happens with age, her health slowly began declining. First, she lost her hearing, which led to separation anxiety and her always needing me within eyesight. Then her hindlegs started to get weaker and weaker. At 14 we learned that she had a serious illness that was inoperable, though no symptoms were presenting yet. And though I didn’t realize it initially, I began preparing for the final goodbye.
Over time, Shiloh needed me more and more, and I rearranged my life to be able to provide her care. My time away from home was reduced to better manage her separation anxiety. I found myself only doing outside chores while she was sleeping so she wouldn’t realize she was alone. In the last months, she needed medications and food throughout the day because she was unable to eat full-sized meals. Shiloh slept in the bed with me and often kept me awake, either from needing assistance to go out in the middle of the night or from her old shaky body vibrating the bed. Almost every day was laundry day because of her incontinence, and time was spent each week taking her to our holistic vet 45 minutes away for acupuncture. Almost every hour of my day revolved around her.
I eventually realized that Shiloh’s care was taking a major toll on me emotionally and physically. I wasn’t sleeping. I was anxious all the time. I felt disconnected from friends and myself. And my heart hurt.
Why do I share Shiloh’s story and mine? Because I know I’m not alone. I wouldn’t typically share something so personal about myself, but my social network revolves around people who love animals, who dedicate their lives – both professionally and personally – to care for animals. I hope that what I’ve learned from my own experiences will be helpful to others.
So back to the story. I was stretched thin and exhausted, both emotionally and physically. My anxiety levels were building such that I lived in a constant state of what I now call “anxiety vibration.” And eventually I had a moment where I snapped. My husband simply asked if I had fed Shiloh, and I blew up and literally threw my beloved Kindle at the wall. For those who know me, you recognize that this is WAY out of character for me. I tend to have a very calm nature, and while I’m embarrassed to admit that I did something so ridiculous and impulsive, I share this because it shows how far away from myself I had gotten. The things I was going through were changing who I was and how I responded to life.
After allowing me time to calm down, my husband showered me with hugs and pointedly said that it was time to consider seeking outside help. I needed to find a way to deal with things in a healthy manner. I needed to find myself again.
Talking with a professional counselor was the absolute best decision I could have made. She had the skills to help me understand what was going on within my brain and body. Together we were able to develop tools that worked specifically for me to deal with everything I was going through. She also connected me with a new primary care physician that offers both Western medicine and holistic care. As it turns out, I was having health issues that were contributing to my lack of sleep and anxiety.
I’m still getting my physical health issues resolved, but the progress I have made with my mental health is significant. I can’t stress that enough. The knowledge I now have of what is going on within my body and how I can tackle daily life in a way that is healthy for me physically and mentally has had a profound impact for me and those around me.
Here are some of the things I learned along the way. I hope this is helpful for you.
Your Professional Partners
Counselor - A great starting point is finding a professional counselor/therapist you can connect with and who has the skills and experience to help you. It’s too great a burden to expect your loved ones to provide this level of insight for you – they don’t have the knowledge or the impartiality. You can find a therapist in your area by searching https://www.psychologytoday.com/. Most therapist will offer a free initial session (typically about 20 minutes over the phone) so you can see if you mesh with them. Some therapists file insurance for you, but many do not. Most therapists offer counseling services via telehealth and/or in-person. Determine what is important to you and allow that to help you narrow your search. One of the main reasons I chose my therapist is because she offered what is called a “walk and talk,” the ability to talk while walking the beach or neighborhood streets rather than being confined to an office. This was important to me as nature and physical activity have been a big part of my healing process. Determine what will work for you and then reach out. The initial conversation – or the act of reaching out at all – might be a bit (or a lot) nerve-wracking, but you’ll be so glad you did.
Doctor - The second big step for me was to talk with a doctor who practices Western and naturopathic medicine. Blood work results showed major issues with hormones, and while my case is very extreme, it is common for women my age to have issues with hormones, which greatly affect one’s physical and mental well-being. No matter your age, if you’re struggling with any kind of physical or mental issue, consider seeing a medical doctor to determine if there is a physiological explanation for the challenges you’re facing. If you have a naturopathic doctor in your area, consider seeking them out. My doctor has helped me consider all facets of my life – physical exercise, sleep, diet, herbs, etc. – and how I might make sustained improvements to help me feel (and be) healthier. By comparison, my previous doctor assured me that hormonal changes were natural at my age and I should just get used to it. Find a doctor who supports you as a whole person. It’s worth the search!
Vet - Our vet is beyond amazing. We drive 45 minutes to see her, but she’s absolutely worth it. She is knowledgeable, compassionate and supportive. Over the last week of Shiloh’s life, she texted me daily to check in and offer advice. She is the fifth vet we’ve seen since moving here almost five years ago. It took that long to find a vet we felt was a good fit for us. And we found her just in time. She was with us every step of the way as we said goodbye to Shiloh, and I can’t imagine having to go through that experience without her. If your vet treats you like a number, consider searching for one who is able to offer more personalized care, especially if your pet is nearing their final years.
Some things that worked for me
It’s easier to tackle a problem if you understand it. I learned that I was dealing with three issues (on top of the health problems). Perhaps these things are affecting you as well.
Compassion Fatigue – Having worked in animal welfare, I was aware of compassion fatigue. However, it never occurred to me that I might be experiencing it myself. I always thought of compassion fatigue affecting people who provided care for suffering people or animals in a professional setting or perhaps a caregiver for an ailing family member. But compassion fatigue can be experienced by pet parents as well, especially when those pets are aging or have long-term illnesses such as seizures or diabetes. If you feel mentally or physically burned out, you might be dealing with compassion fatigue.
Anticipatory Grief – Waiting for a serious illness to play out or for death to finally come for someone you love is exhausting and heartbreaking. It takes a toll on your life and your own well-being. As Andria Corso says on her website, “Anticipatory grief impacts pet owners emotionally, cognitively, and physically (Cox, 2017). Guilt is a common feeling of pet owners as they question whether they are doing enough to help their pets, whether their pet is suffering, and when it will be time to say goodbye (Hewson, 2014). The pending euthanasia decision is one that causes many pet owners to feel deep sadness and despair. Having to make the decision to end their pet’s life is one decision that many pet owners struggle with, and that struggle is exacerbated during anticipatory grief (Laing & Maylea, 2018).” Corso goes on to explain ways in which anticipatory grief affects a person. I highly encourage you to read her full article for information about anticipatory grief as well as ways to combat it. https://andriacorso.com/2020/07/27/anticipatory-grief-what-it-is-and-how-to-cope/
Outside the Window of Tolerance – Within the window of tolerance, we manage the daily ups and downs of stress with some amount of ease. Sometimes a major trauma will cause us to go outside that window of tolerance, which can lead to anger, anxiety and a sense of being out of control or melancholy, numbness and a lack of interest in much of anything. For some of us, we might hover right on the outer edges of that window of tolerance, or perhaps stay in a prolonged state of hyper or hypo-arousal. I’ll let the experts better explain the window of tolerance. Here’s a blog post with a great diagram and explanation: https://www.restoredhopecounselingservices.com/blog/2019/12/3/understanding-the-window-of-tolerance-and-how-trauma-throws-you-off-balance.
Once you realize what you’re dealing with, it’s time to make a plan of action. Here are some of the things I have done that helped me.
Set an intention for your day – I’ve never really been one for journaling, but through this process I have found it incredibly helpful to set an intention every day and to write it down. I select one word that I want to be my focus for the day. Maybe it’s “Nourish” if I’m exhausted, burned out and in need of replenishment. I think through what might make me feel nourished, such as yoga or a run in the rain, and I include that as an activity I want to fit into my day. I might also include a quote or verse that speaks to me. While we all have things we have to do on a certain day, setting an intention has helped keep me from being overwhelmed. It’s much easier to sort through the priority and urgent tasks to determine what truly needs to be accomplished for the day. My typical M.O. before all this was to make a super long list of all the things that I needed to do. That was incredibly overwhelming for me, especially since much of my day was already prioritized for Shiloh’s care. Instead, I now view my day through the lens of my intention. Some things have to be done, but for the long list of other things, I weigh how those to-do’s fit in with my intention for the day. If they don’t nourish me on the day I need nourishment, they don’t go on the list of things I hope to do that day.
Practice self-compassion – Most days don’t go as planned, and that’s okay. If you have a tough day where you’re feeling extra sad and can’t seem to get much done, there’s always tomorrow. Acknowledge what you’re feeling; know that those feelings are valid. There were days when Shiloh wouldn’t eat at all, and it was heartbreaking watching her fade away. I was emotionally spent and frustrated that I couldn’t find one item out of 50 that she found appetizing. I constantly wondered what more I could be doing. Some days I had no motivation to do much of anything apart from care for her. There will be ups and downs. Give yourself space to feel, to grieve, to rest. Be mindful of the expectations you have for yourself. You’re doing the best you can. If you accidentally forget to feed your other dog because you are so worried about the sick one, don’t harbor feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Your dog is fine; accept it and move on. The dishes may be piled sky high, you just ordered take-out again because you don’t feel up to cooking (or creating more dishes to clean), you struggle with the environmental implications of to-go containers, and the food you bought at the grocery store that isn’t getting used will probably go bad. Cut yourself slack. Give yourself the compassion and kindness you might show someone else. Know that tomorrow is a new day, and this is only a phase of your life. The grief and frustration and anxiety won’t last forever. Do what you can and accept that it’s good enough.
Give yourself permission – As a natural caregiver, I find it almost impossible to give to myself, because my focus is always on others. This became especially pronounced as Shiloh became needier in her old age. I read an article by Andria Corso that told me exactly what I needed to hear. I’m an adult and the only person who can give me permission to take time for myself is me. Time to take a nap or read a book and not feel guilty. The ability to take a relaxing bath or leave Shiloh long enough to go for a run. The permission to eat dessert even though I’ve gained weight because I haven’t allowed myself time (and have been too exhausted) to exercise. Figure out what you need, and make time for it. Prioritize it. You are important, and you deserve to take care of yourself. You can read Andria Corso’s article on giving oneself permission at: https://andriacorso.com/2019/07/02/give-yourself-permission/
Prioritize self-care – Related to giving yourself permission is the need to prioritize self-care. Figure out what you need to do to get the best sleep you can; then prioritize it. Eat as healthy a diet as possible. What we put into our bodies affects how we feel, both physically and about ourselves. Get outside. Breathe. Stretch. Enjoy physical exertion. I have found herbal teas to be very healing, both from the actual botanical health benefits and the mental benefit of sipping a mug of warm, soothing tea. Find what works for you. Take care of yourself because you matter. Your health and well-being matters. Plus, you’ll be better able to care for others if you feel connected and whole.
Find balance – Every Thursday during Shiloh’s last months, I took her to the vet for acupuncture and laser therapy to help with stiffness in her legs and spine and to stimulate her appetite. These treatments did wonders for her; she was like a young pup afterwards! But the visits were time consuming, typically taking almost four hours including driving time. By the time you include her walks before and after, plus the agonizing amount of time spent trying to get her to eat, Thursdays left absolutely no “me” time. She was absolutely worth every bit of energy I gave her, and I was happy to devote my entire day to her. But I found that I managed best if I prioritized myself as much as possible on Wednesdays and Fridays. Simply carving out time for yoga or any kind of break from caring for Shiloh helped me stay balanced. Ideally, I’d find time for myself every day, but sometimes reality doesn’t allow for that. Instead, I found peace in knowing that while today might be solely focused on others, tomorrow I’ll be able to carve time out for myself.
Find beauty and blessings around you – Shiloh was my heart. She was the other pea in my pod. My husband jokes that Shiloh always wished I could be a kangaroo so I could carry her in my pouch everywhere I went. We had a strong bond, and that closeness made losing her that much harder. And while it was tough to see her getting older and weaker, there was beauty; so much beauty. I cherished every walk and snuggle and bark and sweet baby snore. I locked in my heart the softness of her ears and the silly way she made her nightly nest while barking at the blankets. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to be home with her and that I had the time to provide the care she needed. I’m so thankful that my husband, who used to travel frequently for work, has been home the last two years because of COVID and has been able to walk with us daily, enjoying all of Shiloh’s final moments. I will forever remember Shiloh’s last day as a sad but wonderful one because she was still strong enough to go for one last sniff hike. It was a slow stroll in the rain with lots of pees, her farewell message to the world. In addition to cherishing every beautiful moment with Shiloh, I found comfort in the beauty around me. I paused to admire a sunset, the wildlife in the backyard, the way the light filters through the trees on a foggy day…and to truly appreciate those moments. My blessings are many; and during sad times, I found it helpful to create a mental list. To remind myself that I am surrounded by people who support me, whether I reach out or not, and that beauty is all around me, if I only pause long enough to enjoy it.
Determine what you need – I found that when I am within the window of tolerance, I can adapt to life’s ups and downs by doing yoga, yard work, walks, meditation, etc. However, if I’m pushing outside that window, I feel a sense of agitation and lack of focus that only hard physical exercise, like a run or kickboxing, can battle. Some days I found that yoga was helpful but only if I followed an instructor rather than leading my own practice. Having to focus on someone else’s words and instructions helped me get out of my head. Just cranking up some music and dancing like a fool can be a wonderful, cathartic release. Listen to your body and figure out what works for you. Everyone will be different. You might find that a major change in temperature also helps. As crazy as it sounds, when I need it most, running in the cold rain helps immensely. Good thing I live in the rainy Pacific Northwest – therapy is almost always available just outside my door!
Ask for help – It’s not in my nature to ask for help. I’m way too Type A for that! In fact, if my husband changed out the dogs’ water bowls, I felt like a failure. Like I had let the water get too low or too much hair had accumulated in the bowls, even if I had provided fresh water only hours before. This irrational way of thinking was tied to my perfectionist personality but also part of my compassion fatigue and anticipatory grief. I felt that dog care was entirely my responsibility and I was a failure to ask for help. Not only was that adding a great burden to my own life and mental state, it was making my husband feel as if he couldn’t be part of the pet care routine. I was essentially cutting him out of an opportunity to provide care, an expression of love. My therapist helped me realize my need to ask for help in a handful of ways. First, getting Shiloh to eat and take her medicine was a monumental challenge. Asking my husband to help, especially on days when I wasn’t having any luck, gave me a mental break from this burden and allowed him to be a part of her care. Secondly, I learned that I absolutely have to take time for myself to exercise. I prefer to be in nature while exercising, but leaving Shiloh alone was difficult. The solution: My husband brought his laptop into the living room where he could work and watch Shiloh for an hour each day while I got exercise. He also did this over the weekend so I could get out for some time with girlfriends. Not only was this exactly what I needed, but it was a tangible way he could support me during this tough time. Finally, since trouble sleeping has been a big burden for me, I have asked my husband’s help in setting me up for sleep success. He stays up later than I do, but every night he tucks me into bed with a hug, a prayer and a back rub. While this doesn’t always equate to a solid night of sleep, it helps me feel loved and at peace as I head into dreamland.
As hard as it is for me to go public with something so personal, I know that I can’t be alone. Surely others have struggled in caring for an aging loved one. I hope that sharing my story will encourage others to prioritize their own physical, emotional and mental health. Don’t go it alone. Find a professional you click with who can be a sounding board and offer advice. Surround yourself with people who can support you. You are worth it.
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